Oh no! We just received an email from james@nicelawyers.co.uk accusing us of copyright infringement! We’ve taken the pictures down (drat!) but out of curiosity we visited http://www.nicelawyers.co.uk and found… a holding page?!!?

James… is that you? The plot thickens!

The housewife on her morning run.

If you find yourself in the position of wanting to look cultured and educated, yet craving something of a 1970s sex comedy, look no further than “Potiche”. It’s the story of a bored housewife (Catherine Deneuve) who finds herself in charge of her husband’s umbrella factory after unionists take him hostage. Enter Gerard Depardieu as the local Communist MP.

It’s a fun romp with a distinctly French attitude towards sex. There are no happy endings for everyone though; the cruel and conniving are punished with lives that are less than extraordinary.  Compared to the American ideal, the film feels almost unfinished, until you realise that the choices the characters have made is ultimately what decides their fate. Compare this to the dull American sickly sweet endings where characters are smiled upon by luck and all are ultimately redeemed and the differences between the two cultures is thrown into stark relief.

4 out of 5 stars.

It's not a dildo, it's cake, I think.

Hubby #1 Conrad “Nicky” Hilton. Son of Conrad Hilton, the founder of the Hilton hotel chain. Conrad Hilton is the great grandfather of Paris Hilton. Making Liz some sort of ex-great-aunt. Alas, each time I try to research the family tree of Paris Hilton, my computer reboots and then combusts.  Conrad and Liz were only married for nine months.

Neither gay not Grant Cary

Hubby #2 Michael Wilding was no stranger to wedding bells either, he walked down the isle a total of four times before he fell down the stairs and died. The fall was caused by an epileptic seizure. Liz and Michael had two sons and were married for five years.

50% jaw bone by weight

Hubby #3 Michael Todd is the only husband not divorced by Liz, instead he died in a light plane crash, a method of dying that has never lost appeal in Hollywood. Mike was identified by his dental records, although any person with reasonable eyesight could probably identify his jaw from space. They were only married for one year. Liz was pretty cut up. One can only assume that she swore off Michaels forever after Michael Todd.

Singer and meth addict

Hubby #4 Eddie Fisher, friend of Michael Todd and husband of Debbie Reynolds, dropped everything for Liz, and by everything we pretty much just mean Debbie Reynolds. Debbie was pretty cut up. Eddie had caught the wedding fever though and split from Liz after just five years. Eddie went on to be married another three times. Thankfully, they had no children. He died after breaking his hip aged 83, the injury did not occur during sexual intercourse.

Richard Burton was famous and not gay

Hubby #5 Richard Burton, a man so good, she had to marry him twice. He married five times as well, but considering Liz counts as two, I’m still putting Eddie ahead of the pack for the groom-zilla crown. Richard is also famous for not being gay.

John helping Liz remain upright

Hubby #6 John Warner was also an entertainer, working as a republican politician. They were married for six years, a personal best for Liz. She didn’t like Washington so she checked herself into the Betty Ford clinic. John however, never recovered from republicanism.

Liz and a man with a lesbian haircut

Hubby #7 Larry Fortensky was married twice before Liz. They met in the Betty Ford clinic, and married at Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch. Most people would have been physically crushed by their warning bells at this point. Liz was no fool though, she insisted on a pre-nuptial that stated Larry only got 1 million dollars if they were married for five years. Clearly, in Liz’s world, men have a shelf life. Five years later they divorce and he buys a ranch. She gave him a gift of $50 K to stop the bank foreclosing on his house a few years later, but when he came begging a second time, the old Hollywood dame put her foot down.

I can’t blame her for cutting Larry loose, even if she did have some money in the kitty. According to Joe My God she died with about 1 billion dollars in cash and assets. The organs of everyone you know and love aren’t even worth that much. Bless Liz, she’s giving it all to her favourite AIDS charities.

Celebrate her life this week if you can, by either getting married or dressing up as Cleopatra; possibly both if you can manage.

That was, until I looked at the property in Coogee.

It was the salmon mousse...

There’s a problem with chasing a suburb as a status symbol, namely that it’s not just you, there’s an ungainly horde of cashed up noveu riche aspirational bogans trying to snap up some bragging real estate. Every last cent that can be borrowed will be borrowed, just to get that house. Sadly this means that there is nothing left for tasteful refurbishment.  You might have to make some sacrifices.

“Salmon paint is on special? I’ll take a thousand litres!” says our aspirational bogan or colour blind new Australian as the case may be. Maybe you could splash a bit of green around to highlight the railings. Maybe you could gouge your eyes out with a spoon.

Let’s look inside though, firstly at the built in verandah. Why lumber yourself with a tasteful transition to the outdoors when you could create a long narrow sand coloured tomb with a pine ceiling made to endure the indignity of a walnut stain.

The indoors meets the... indoors

So they placed a country style setting (in pine no less!) in the sand sarcophagus. Ask yourself, would you take breakfast in that room? Or would you throw some soft toys in there and close the doors to create a child-aquarium for the amusement of guests? It’s not like you’re leaving them in a car with the windows up, well, not entirely.

Maybe you could throw Grandma in as well, as dementia and incontinence sets in, she’ll have no more idea of how to escape than she does of how to appropriately toilet herself. The sandstone effect tiles means you can just hose the whole affair out in the evening.

The evil of banality

Of course, for those times when social services pop around, you need more than just one room to store Grandma in her twilight years, but you still want the versatility of a hosable surface, nothing says low maintenance like lino flooring. Cane furniture gives the elderly a hobby in the form of endless dusting. There is nothing like cane furniture to suggest a rustic tropical get away in some plantation, you can complete this illusion in your own home, as these people have, with a black velvet painting. Contrast all of this with a harsh industrial look by putting steel girders into your home, contrast this further by using Grandma’s best Sunday bonnet as an upcycled light shade.

Recycle all of Granny's hats!

More girders, more hats as light shades. A non-ironic red recliner with little matching protective mats. Does the sweat of the elderly stain that badly? Or does it just linger with the scent of imminent death?

Beer bottle coloured wall lamps knowingly nod to Australia bogan culture of the 70s. An octagonal coffee table hints at the wildness of the owners in the 60s before they settled down to a grim Sydney suburban existence.

A horror in the key of "International Roast"

Did they start each morning with a cup of coffee, or simply an eye-full of coffee coloured bathroom? Most truck stop road houses take years, nay decades, to brew coffee as ugly as these walls. You can almost taste the bitter tang of regret as some wog patriarch looks at his hair collecting in the drain. These tiles reflect light in the same way our subconscious reflects our fears, it’s simply a nightmare. Like all nightmare existances, people tend to take refuge in escapism, maybe you drink, become a morphine addict, or maybe you join a cult.

You know the type of cult I mean, the one that would insist it’s not a religion, simply a gathering of friends and they have a secret handshake. Possibly they have a secret outfit too, like the moose head get up Fred Flintstone had.

Towing hats in a secret society are a no-no with these diminutive ceilings.

A few vinyl seats hint at a diminishing membership, picked off by prostate cancer and aged care facilities. One can imagine that this would have been quite the sought after location for meetings of the local cult for aged men. The bar would have been buzzing as perhaps as many as 40 men crowded together in the sweaty gloom. Sadly, without a trace of homoeroticism.

"Chinese Girl" sans irony.

The kitchen is a wooden number adorned with a print of the “Chinese Girl” by Vladimir Tretchikoff, a foray into hipster cool done completely without intention. It’s almost like Hellen Keller pulling off a copy of Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” after she blew her nose on the curtains.

The whole thing speaks of a kind of desperation, an almost inability to go on with a reason to live. This house is the embodiment of the decay of the soul as suffered in suburbia. There’s a pool at the back without a fence, possibly the last ditch attempt to keep the grandchildren away, those little spectres of potential coming around each weekend to gloat about what they want to be when they grow up, as their grandparents silently muse if they’ll make it through the night.

One night they didn’t, and it was sold at auction. For how much? I no longer care.

Photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/mararie

April – the month started off like a pistol. Yes I am aware that it is already the 18th (though I have only rewritten this on the 17th) and that the month is almost at an end. Anyway, back to the pistol analogy. Things that had been on the backburner have now come to the fore, things that weren’t working either mended itself or finally broke apart (ie job situation, financial issues…relationships!) What is also interesting is that there was a regression back to old habits, in particular, bad ones. What is interesting is that this time around, there seems to be more will power to say no. Whether initially or eventually. The bill for the indulgences and, for some, delusions, of March had finally come. Some were able to pay it, some needed to get a loan, and others were tried and judged unfit for human association and a period of isolation occurred. And there are those special few who are rather disgruntled about the whole month that the only way to appease their wrath is to sacrifice the Ram and string up its bloody pelt as a warning to the Bull who happens to be coming up to tone down whatever shenanigans they have planned. Though if this were to happen, I suspect that it would goad the Bull into action rather than warn it.

The month also began in what is called a Shadow Period. Period of 2 weeks prior to the Retrogradation of a planet (it slows down and appears to move backwards from an Earth-bound standpoint). The planet in question is Mercury. Yes I can hear quite a few audible gasps and groans. For those who aren’t savy, Mercury is the planet of communication and all things associated with it. Ever wondered why when deals or thought processes that were going so well suddenly took a turn for the worst? Well check an ephemeris (planetary table), and you may find that Mercury was turning at or close to that point. Well fear not as not only does this happen only 3 times a year, but these are prime times for revision, self audits (great time to find possible tax deductions ), resigning leases, backing up data (I’m doing so as I write this!) and if in a iffy situation, it’s the perfect time to back out with less fuss than there would usually be. Mercury goes retrograde on the 18th of April to the 12th of May. Even so, the period following it is what I call a Haze. Everything seems to be okay but things are still a bit fuzzy around the edges. The dust really settles when Mercury returns to the degree it was at before it retrograded which will be on…the 29th of May. ….Long wait, I know…. Luckily, the next one won’t be till the 20th of August.

Editors Note: I was slack in getting to this in time.  I am a very bad man.

Aries:
• Headline: The self, appearance, spotlight time (no not the fabric store)
• Mercury affected area: Finances and movable assets. (watch that bank account)
• Verdict: Have fun but try to be thrifty about it. “Hey, Big Spender!” is what they’ll be yelling if you’re not careful…

Taurus:
• Headline: Seclusion and reflection. Time to hide away.
• Mercury affected area: Appearance. Watch that mouth. Not to mention that waistline
• Verdict: Indulge in private. It’s cheaper, more comfortable and if you say or do anything faux pas, it stays at home. Where it belongs!

Gemini:
• Headline: Groups, friends and dreams. Feeling lucky?
• Mercury affected area: Self-undoing. Luck can only be taken so far, Gemini. So can the patience of others. Don’t push it.
• Verdict: “Listen sister. If I wanted your opinion, I’ll beat it outta ya!” – Elvira. No unsolicited advice, Gemini. Thanks. Your friends do come equipped with both feelings and fists. Remember that.

Cancer:
• Headline: Reputation and public exposure. Do try not to embarrass yourself.
• Mercury affected area: Associations. Things may seem unstable. Shoulders back, eyes down, Cancer.
• Verdict: Don’t put too much stock in new associates. Enjoy them for what they are as they could cost you your reputation. Watch for bouts of possessiveness and jealousies. Whether others or, most likely, your own!

Leo:
• Headline: Higher education, spirituality, Long distance travel. Time for a trip?
• Mercury affected area: Reputation. Watch out for that temper.
• Verdict: I know , lately, you may be full of beans (among other things) Leo, but really. Knock it off. You aren’t the only firecracker out there. And there are some with far bigger bangs than you, so watch yourself.

Virgo:
• Headline: Debts and shared resources. Check to see that it all adds up.
• Mercury affected area: Spirituality. Crisis of faith? Or merely a revision?
• Verdict: Best to start sorting what needs to be sorted in regards to things that you share. You may have missed something.

Libra:
• Headline: One-on-one relationships and open enemies. They have been both of late, haven’t they?
• Mercury affected area: Debts. Stop pretending the debit card is a Platinum.
• Verdict: Love may be a battlefield, but that’s no excuse to play the bitch. Save it, Libra or you may find your usual charm won’t work later.

Scorpio:
• Headline: Toil and Illness. Time for those multivitamins…
• Mercury affected area: Relationships. That silent thing that you do? Keep it up. Suddenly having a mouth won’t help this month. Save it for May.
• Verdict: Been moody, have we? Yes we know. So do half the population. Wah, frickn’ Wah, Scorpio! Sort it on your own time. Not in the mood.

Sagittarius:
• Headline: Creativity and Pleasure. Feeln’ Frisky, are we?
• Mercury affected area: Work. Yeah best not to try and bed the new hottie at work. VD or the boss’s personal playtoy. Save it for after work drinks.
• Verdict: Just entertain at home. It’ll be safer for us all.

Capricorn:
• Headline: Home and family. Time to tackle fixing that toilet.
• Mercury affected area: Pleasure. Blockage? Change of scenery will do the trick.
• Verdict: The public knows you haven’t been a happy chappy. But what exactly are you going to do about it? Oh, and Oscar would like his trash can back.

Aquarius:
• Headline: Siblings and the Community. Should you stay or should you go? Pick up the phone and dial.
• Mercury affected area: Home. Spring cleaning! You’ll finally be able to get rid of useless old junk (actual junk or people)
• Verdict: Local minister or professor may have a viable solution for something that’s been nagging you. No, I’m not kidding. At least check it out.

Pisces:
• Headline: Moveable resources (assets/money/but not the house). Bought more than you could handle? Compensating for something?
• Mercury affected area: Communication. Just because you have a voice doesn’t mean you should use it without your brain…wait…brain?
• Verdict: Ask an Aquarian you know to help you out in regards to getting rid of crap you don’t really need. Flipside, you could also be helping them out with their issues. It’s proactive, cheaper than therapy, and far more entertaining.

When the fuck did this word become a negative adjective?

Why has it become an acceptable part of modern vernacular?

WHY ARE PEOPLE IN MY OFFICE SAYING IT?

Has anyone else experienced my grimace on hearing this?

Her conviction in 2003 for electoral fraud caught the attention of authorities who took her into a room at the international airport and questioned her.

“I explained I was Australia’s first political prisoner,” she said of the conviction, which was later quashed on appeal.

Hanson said she was questioned in front of other passengers.

“I felt terribly embarrassed,” she said.

The former One Nation leader was visiting New Zealand on a hiking holiday.

Authorities allowed her to enter after questioning.

Serves 4

Photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/avlxyz/

Ingredients

• 200 g Rocket (Washed)
• 2 Pears
• ¾ cup Parmesan Cheese
• 2 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• 70 g Walnuts (Sliced)
• 1 tbsp Balsamic Vinegar
• 600 g of beef strips

Instructions

1. Place rocket and sliced pear into a large bowl with shaved parmesan.
2. Drizzle with oil and balsamic vinegar adding walnuts.
3. Fry beef strips, drain and add to the salad
4. Toss and serve

This dish is so incredibly simple and popular at dinner parties that I’m loathe to give it out. Suffice to say, it’s a wonderful meal for summer, winter, or if you just can’t be shagged to cook lobster thermidor. The sweet dry spiciness of the lamb and couscous contrasts with the bite of the cucumber and yoghurt. Serve with a dry white wine if you’re so inclined. The vegetarian option uses eggplant soaked in salt water for an hour, increase step 4 to roughly 35 minutes.

Photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/loridstone

Serves 4

Ingredients

• 1 Onion (Diced)
• 2 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• 4 Lamb Fillets (Diced)
• 1 tsp Dukkah Spice
• 2 Cinnamon Sticks
• 1½ cup Cous Cous
• 1½ cup Chicken Stock
• 50 g Dried Apricots (Diced)
• 2 tbsp Fresh Coriander (Chopped)
• 400 g Chickpeas (Rinsed)
• 1 Lemon (Quartered)
• 1 large Cucumber
• 1 small tub of Greek yoghurt

Allow me to summarise by saying that nothing adds to the demise of a movie more than expectation or a second viewing.  Well, ignorant people co-viewing the film with their endless natter and commentary tends to have a similar effect…

The problem, I believe, is that I placed expectation upon the movie.  Tim Burton, Johnny Depp…  previews of immaculate costuming.  All signs to build my expectation.  Alas, I should have tempered it better with the fact that it was a Disney production.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, the plot, in a nutshell, has Alice at almost 20 years old and faced with a decision of marrying a Lord, and all that comes with it.  In her confusion and deliberation, she ends up falling down the rabbit hole and back into Wonderland.  All in Wonderland are heralding her as their saviour – one who shall defeat the Red Queen.

The theme of self belief is strong.  Sickeningly so.  It’s almost as though Disney used Alice to offset some of their other trite ‘damsel in distress’, teenage love epics they so fondly dish out annually.

It’s also hard to ignore the ‘love’ theme running through the film.  From the Red Queen commenting that it’s better to be feared than loved, to the odd love interest that the Hatter seems to show for Alice.  Well, at least this is how I saw it.

The acting was, well, adequate.  Clearly no Oscar performances, nor a script that even gave scope for that.  To their credit, the actors embraced the caricature nature of the characters, though their make-up and airbrushing tended to remove much of the acting potential for my liking, especially for the Hatter.    This said,  Anne Hathaway’s White Queen-iness made me giggle.

Even the Tim Burton attraction was lost in the final production.  The scenery, the cinematography, all clearly Burton-esque.  Yet I can’t help but feel he was too tied into delivering the “Disney” dream to be able to have the creative direction this movie needed to shift it from being “meh” to “wow”.   This is most true with the ending where, without being a spoiler, it is clear that the movie was shown to test audiences who replied ‘we’d like the story to be spelt out further for us – as in completely spelt out in a clichéd, ‘girl power’ sort of way”.   Had Burton been paid too much to protest to this or did he realise upon signing that there would be no way around an all-American Disney ending?

So for me, the final outcome was one of a watchable, if not a little disappointing, movie.  It was OK.  There are no scenes that will remain with me forever, or even a fortnight.  Even Avatar with its mind numbingly insulting script at least achieved that!

I am left wondering… Why Disney made this production?  There is limited merchandise associated with it, the box office, although good, was it great?  More to the point, why did Burton agree to this production with Disney?   Was there really supposed to be sub-theme of the Hatter being in love with Alice, or was Depp aiming for ‘paternal’ which resulted on screen as ‘sexy?  If we were supposed to walk away thinking that the Hatter loves Alice and has been waiting for her, then isn’t that creepy?…  And why not just take the ending to a whole “Disney” ending and have a ‘Hatter’ appear on the boat?

With such questions, I cannot see how Alice In Wonderland will become either a Burton or a Disney classic, nor the role that Depp dies being renown for.   The 3D added so very little to the production that if you miss it at the cinemas, never fear – the dvd will suffice!.  It was a watchable 2 stars.