Too soon? No, let us celebrate the life of Liz Taylor by celebrating her favourite hobby, getting married. Liz Taylor has always been a friend of the gays (who can blame her?) and even though we couldn’t marry, she married for us. Well, as much as one woman could. So let us celebrate her life with a cavalcade of men and rings! (fingers, not buttocks)
Hubby #1 Conrad “Nicky” Hilton. Son of Conrad Hilton, the founder of the Hilton hotel chain. Conrad Hilton is the great grandfather of Paris Hilton. Making Liz some sort of ex-great-aunt. Alas, each time I try to research the family tree of Paris Hilton, my computer reboots and then combusts. Conrad and Liz were only married for nine months.
Hubby #2 Michael Wilding was no stranger to wedding bells either, he walked down the isle a total of four times before he fell down the stairs and died. The fall was caused by an epileptic seizure. Liz and Michael had two sons and were married for five years.
Hubby #3 Michael Todd is the only husband not divorced by Liz, instead he died in a light plane crash, a method of dying that has never lost appeal in Hollywood. Mike was identified by his dental records, although any person with reasonable eyesight could probably identify his jaw from space. They were only married for one year. Liz was pretty cut up. One can only assume that she swore off Michaels forever after Michael Todd.
Hubby #4 Eddie Fisher, friend of Michael Todd and husband of Debbie Reynolds, dropped everything for Liz, and by everything we pretty much just mean Debbie Reynolds. Debbie was pretty cut up. Eddie had caught the wedding fever though and split from Liz after just five years. Eddie went on to be married another three times. Thankfully, they had no children. He died after breaking his hip aged 83, the injury did not occur during sexual intercourse.
Hubby #5 Richard Burton, a man so good, she had to marry him twice. He married five times as well, but considering Liz counts as two, I’m still putting Eddie ahead of the pack for the groom-zilla crown. Richard is also famous for not being gay.
Hubby #6 John Warner was also an entertainer, working as a republican politician. They were married for six years, a personal best for Liz. She didn’t like Washington so she checked herself into the Betty Ford clinic. John however, never recovered from republicanism.
Hubby #7 Larry Fortensky was married twice before Liz. They met in the Betty Ford clinic, and married at Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch. Most people would have been physically crushed by their warning bells at this point. Liz was no fool though, she insisted on a pre-nuptial that stated Larry only got 1 million dollars if they were married for five years. Clearly, in Liz’s world, men have a shelf life. Five years later they divorce and he buys a ranch. She gave him a gift of $50 K to stop the bank foreclosing on his house a few years later, but when he came begging a second time, the old Hollywood dame put her foot down.
I can’t blame her for cutting Larry loose, even if she did have some money in the kitty. According to Joe My God she died with about 1 billion dollars in cash and assets. The organs of everyone you know and love aren’t even worth that much. Bless Liz, she’s giving it all to her favourite AIDS charities.
Celebrate her life this week if you can, by either getting married or dressing up as Cleopatra; possibly both if you can manage.